I want to be happy and I'm having difficulties with it. I don't really know what to do anymore. Mentally and physically. Today: I did absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. However, I ate a LOT. I mean seriously... I had all three meals plus an ass load of candy. Now let's compare that to two days ago, when I ate nothing except a taco, lots of water, and a few candy cigarettes. I swear. Not to mention i gained 3 pounds...within a fucking DAY. Now I'm not so superficial to care about weight and appearance. LIED. I am. I can't stand myself sometimes! Back to the main thought, I really don't know what to do. My happy face is wearing off.

The only real fun I had today was sitting in the car on the ride home, listening to "I know" by Drake Bell. First off, let me explain. There's a lot behind that song. The lyrics remind me of the time Paige and I were sitting in her room, just dreaming of the day we'd be dancing with Edward and Jasper. If you don't really understand, us girls have amazing imagination. Well we used to. This means that all those feelings of just lovey dovey-ness, romanticey...cutesy fluffiness were being felt. NO we're not lesbians. I mean just mentally. Cuz honestly i can say I loved the idea of Edward before. I don't anymore.

Why not? Well... for one, I cannot feel so inferior to whomever I fall in love with. For two, I cannot handle a guy I cannot kiss. And when I say kiss, I don't mean peck, I mean hardcore make out. Haah, sounds funny, but honestly kissing is fun. It's something you should enjoy (if you can). It's weird but so true.

Sadly, this is coming from a girl who has only kissed one boy in her life.

But hey, Nathan and I are almost at our 7 month! I'm starting to really think about my future with him.

The future used to scare me. Hell, death used to scare me. I think I'm giving up with fear. It only restricts you.

And yes, I am aware I'm jumping EVERYWHERE in this blog. Cuz hey, isn't that what blogs are about?

Back to the first first first point, I'm not good at being happy.

I still don't know why. I still don't really know what to do.

What do I consider 'fun' anyway?

Let's see:

• long drives
• bright sun in my face
  
• wind rushing through my hair
  
• running through fields
  
• receiving flowers
  
• holding hands
  
• singing while walking down busy streets
  
• taking long, solitary walks
  
• waking up to the sun
  
• talking on the phone for all hours of the night
  
• sleeping next to someone else
  
• sitting in odd places

The problem with all those things, is that I can't do them all the time, and they don't always make me happy. I try to find joy in everything I do, but I can't. Unless I wake up oddly optimistic, I cannot go through the day and be happy for most of it. I don't really know why either. It makes me mad =]