At the beginning of summer, I started painting/drawing in my red moleskine. It was a sign of me giving up and giving in. I was hiding behind my ‘art’. But anyway.. some back story? I’d spent forever looking for a moleskine to use. Jaime and I wanted to start a sketchbook that’d get passed on, and eventually end up in another country, where it would be even more continued. I figured that if it actually went well, and the universe was happy with me, it’d find its way back to me. Of course, that fell through and it ended up being just for my own personal use. It was my way of whining to myself. Unfortunately, it didn’t become something beautiful. If anything, it’s just. I want to burn it, to be blunt. I hate myself, just by looking through it. If I didn’t know it was done by me, I’d probably just be pissed at the person who created the mess in that notebook. Nothing in it was right. Or worth looking at. The worst part? I spent hours and hours on it. Trying to figure out how to make each individual page look.. better? I guess that’s the best way to put it. But to be perfectly honest, there was nothing I could do to make it even look presentable. I showed it to Nathan a few times. I showed it to Gina once, if I’m right. I wanted them to tell me I was a genius. That it was deep. That it provoked something in them. But it didn’t. Because it was stupid, childish, and fucking dumb. ANYWAY. I’ll keep on going. This gets better, more positive, I promise. I decided that I would change the main focus. I decided to make it more positive, to represent the way my life was heading into happier times. Summer was supposed to be wonderful. I mean, most people have really high expectations for summer, right? It’s vacation, time to chill, kick back, relax with friends, and that sort of thing. But that’s not my summer. Ever. I should have learned by now. Let’s consider the fact that this is my last vacation before starting school. I’m a senior now, and it’s all over after this. ANYWAY. My vacations always consist of screaming at all hours of the night in my house certain days of certain weeks, and NO vacations. They just don’t work out, and I’m so turned off of them. I remember one year we went to silver lake, but we had to come home the night we got there because my parents wouldn’t stop fighting. That was one of the worst experiences of my fucking home life. I remember the long, long, long, monotonous, obnoxious ride back. I fell asleep because I couldn’t take it more. I’m pretty sure we didn’t get home till 4 in the morning or something like that. ANYWAY. Summer NEVER turns out well for me anyway. So I didn’t know why this year was going to be any different. I just thought it would be.. at the beginning. Up until now, I’ve basically forgot about the damn sketchpad. I feel silly even THINKING, much less WRITING about it. But it reminded me that I wanted to make some changes within myself over the break. Some good, and good for me, and some not so much. A few examples, I wanted to get over my irrational fear of being in a pool by myself, even if other people were around. I wanted to get healthier, exercise better and that sort of thing. The not so good? I wanted to get so fucking skinny that people NOTICED. Look what I haven’t been able to do? I was doing so well until the night that fucking fate fucked my shit up. I gained the 10 lbs I managed to lose over the course of a month. Thinspo was my life July. It was my everything. I made a blog and got 99 followers within two weeks. I did SO well. I was doing SO well. But everything fell apart once I realized how poisonous my thoughts really were. And here we are only 3 lbs down from where I started the beginning of July. Fml. ANYWAY. Over the course of this summer I’ve learned a few things about myself. I have no self control (Kinda new that before..), I hate myself, I will never be (insertpositivetraitordescriptiveword)-enough, and I have to figure out how to accept it before I kill myself trying. Not pretty enough, not social enough, not cute enough, not nice enough, not tough enough, not smart enough. NOT PERFECT ENOUGH. You know what? No. ENOUGH. This is where this post will turn slightly positive, maybe rant-y, but positive. I’m so fucking sick of myself. I’m so done. Tonight was the last night I keep ‘trying’. Because as of right now, I’m done. I’m so, so done. I’m growing up, just like Nathan said last night. You’re done being a kid now that you realize that. You gotta keep doing what you’re doing and grow the fuck up and out of it. You can’t hide anymore. So I’m not.
I’m going to go take my driver’s test.
I’m going to smile more and MEAN it.
I’m going to stop being so damn fake, because honestly? No one cares.
I’m going to stop (or maybe start more) abandoning ship when I have to. I’ll pull a ninja if I have to.
I’m just GOING to.
Enough was enough, and now I’m done.
Wish me luck.
1 comment:
<3
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