A Nightmare.

I texted him once more and drifted off..

Back at the band room I was preparing for the next show. My first song was the Neighborhood Reprise. My hair was done, but my makeup wasn't. That was when Jeana approached me to say

"I heard something you might need to know." I set a brush down to give her my full attention.


"I heard that Nathan was seen yesterday, after our last show, in that hallway.." she pointed to
the usually empty hallway that ran parallel to the main, busy one. "And I heard he was with a girl."

"Who?"


"Chelsea something."

"Where they..?"

"Making out."

"Who told you?" I tried to remain calm.

"Amber. But it's weird, she's never talked to me before"

"Fuck. I don't think Amber would lie. When did she tell you?"
I kept this conversation going until I got all the info I needed.

I finished my make up after that and helped Tara out too. Then I went into the main hallway when I saw Nathan.


"Nathan!"

"Huh? Oh hey!"


"Can we talk?"

"Uh, about what?"


"Just come here." I led him to a different hallway. We had an hour until showtime so i decided
we could talk.


He sat down and I joined him. I didn't touch him though.

"So what's this about Jenna?"


"Did you actually cheat on me?"

"I thought we were over that already."


"We were. But I want total honesty this time."

"Fine, whatever. Yes I did it. And yes it was Chelsea."

That's when I felt like bursting into tears. But I didn't. Because I couldn't. Not only was I too
strong, I was too hurt.


"See," I told him, "I DID tell you she was better then me. I DID tell you she was what you really
wanted. I would of happily broken up with you if you told me you wanted her."

I could barely even control my own words. They just spilled out of my mouth like water from a
faucet.


"I DON'T want her. I want you."

"You can't have both. And I don't WANT you anymore."


"Why the fuck not?" He was still as calm as ever.

"Like I said before. She's better than me and you can have her. She's everything I'm not. She's
athletic, she's pretty, she's nice, she has friends. Don't you see this? I don't even care about
MYSELF anymore. This relationship was entirely about pleasing you. And I think I've done that.
It's done now. So go be with her. Go have fun with her. Go make out with her. Because you want
to and you know it."


He was speechless. I got up and walked away. When I sent Jeana to go check about 5 minutes later, he was still there. I didn't want to go back but I knew I should. Maybe he wasn't grasping it. I grabbed one of the notes I always carried around with me from him. It was a long poem he wrote me. It made me so happy and even though he said it was cheesy, it was the most adorable thing ever.

I walked back into the hallway where Nathan was still sitting. Still waiting. I threw the note at him and told him it was for her. Because we were over. I didn't WANT him anymore. It was done. This entire 6 months had been a waste of my time and his. I walked back to the room.

He followed me after that. Held me in an embrace and told me "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Why are you letting this be such a big part of that?"


I threw my fists at his chest while trying to find the words to explaining the hurt, the pain, the nothingness that I felt right now. To explain how this not only lowered my already rock bottom low self-esteem but had me just so low. I didn't know how to, so I resorted to beating it into his head. "You don't understand. Do you want me to go make out with Brandon and Jacques? Will that help you? Would it help if I told you I always lusted after them? Would it help you, if you were me right now? Would it help if I acted on that? Would it? Would it? Would it?"

I kept on questioning him as he finally got back and I was sobbing it. I ran to the dressing room and sat in the chair near my stuff. Cady came by with her bright red lipstick on. "What's wrong honey?"


"Nathan and I are OVER. And I don't want that son of a bitch back."

Girls scattered across the room looked at us questioningly. She replied back to the looks "Nathan french is an asshole. It's alright."


I ran back into the hallway to tell Molly so we could leave right after curtain call. I was in such a frenzy mentally. I wasn't supposed to cry about boys. I made that promise YEARS ago. So why was this killing me inside? I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. It had me so low. It had me so angry.

Then I saw Nathan again, laughing in a circle of boys. That's what really hurt. Even our relationship being over didn't phase him. It was sick. I cried again. Emily comforted me and told me that my mascara would get screwed up, so I had to stop. I laughed and told her what happened. Her reply was just that boys were icky and I was better off without him.
She left and walked away when Linda called all the dancers to the stage, Nathan then came to me. "Are you okay?"


"Do I look okay?" It was obvious tears had been streaming down my face.

"Now you do." He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.


"Get away from me." I snapped.

"Whoa where'd that come from?"


"We're over. Stop talking to me, and go find your new girlfriend. She's always in the audience anyway. She always comes to see you."

"..."

Once again I felt the lump of my throat. But instead of wanting to cry, I wanted to puke. This was too much.


I ran and woke up.

I woke up.


I had been sleeping.

I woke up and Hallelujah'd.

It was just a dream.

More comparable to a nightmare though.