Analytic

...
A disease
A preventable disease
that I WANT to catch.
it's wrong
it's so so so wrong.
and to place the blame
anywhere other then right here
right on me
would be so utterly wrong
so utterly wrong that words cannot describe.
and no matter
how disgusting
how disturbing
how unfair
how scary
how harmful
how deadly...
it doesn't stop me.
The only thing
possibly stopping me
is my utter laziness.
So should I thank God/ess
for that?
I think not.
Not at all.
Not ever.
Why?
Because.
It stops me from
completing tasks
or starting projects.
Sadly,
this is one of those projects
and I can't do it
I could.
If I fully 100% wanted it.
But I don't.
But i do.
But i don't.
but i do.
Why can't I decide?
I know that not forming
that sort of habit
is the best possible way.
But it's hard
When it's something
You want so badly
But know how badly
it will affect you.
It's so so so wrong.
Why am I so inclined?
Why am I even thinking of it?
Why would I want to?
Plus, why do I want it anyway?
Do I want it because
of possible outcomes?
Yes and No.
Yes because I'd be..
Amazing.
No because I'd be
addicted.
It's just as bad as a drug
If not worse.
Why Can't i just... not do it?
Why would it ever cross my mind?

i can't do this anymore.

it's killing me.