there's a humming in the air

It's so strange to think that I don't miss you.

I don't.  I honestly don't.

I thought this would be so much harder.

But it's not.

He made things very simple for me.

And I no longer have any confusion.

I am finally free.

No more manipulation.

No more lying.

No more games.

No more cheating.

I have spent months preparing.
In fact, I still have two more months of preparation.
I will soon be on my own.
Of course, without breaking any ties with blood,
I will be leaving the nest, my home of 20 years,
For my sister's new abode.
It'll be about a year from when she left that I'll be doing the same.

I have already bought a bed and begun packing my things.
I already took one of my bookshelves over to her home, I'll need to bring the other soon.
I still have so much to do and pack, but I have to wait. 
The hardest part of the move will be my clothing and my mattress.
All of the smaller things in my room will easily fit into boxes.
The dresser drawers from my childhood have been being stored in her garage since she first moved, and I will be using those once more.
They are very ornamental, with pretty designs in the wood.
Some delicate decorations for the room have already been moved over there,
in an effort to protect them from damage in transporting with all the other boxes.
My favorite find was a old, silver and glass carafe, in desperate need of polishing.
Hopefully this transition will be smooth, and only take a day or two to put everything together.  

There are parts of this move that will not be so easy.

I will miss waking up with my mom on the couch, fox news babbling on,  coffee already brewed.

I will miss having someone to show funny pictures to whenever I want.  

I will miss waking up to go on a bike ride along the bike path, searching for herons in the weeds.

I will miss the innocence of childhood, and the carefree attitude that comes with it.

I will miss my childhood home.  I will miss my purple walls.  I will miss all the memories I have made here.

Holy fuck I've found him.

"The Last One

I believe that we all go through relationships in our life for a reason. I believe that each one is meant to teach us lessons. Get us ready for the one were meant to be with. Not everyone will meet and or be with the one that they are destined to be with. I do believe that we have these relationships to get us ready though. I’ve had my share of relationships and heartbreaks, lost hopes and dead end roads.  I’ve been down in the depths of depression. I may not of reached the bottom and I’m glad I didn’t make it that far. I consider myself lucky. Anytime I’ve ever said anything about thinking something had felt so right or knowing that someone was the one of just feeling it have all been highly trumped by the feeling I have when it comes to her. It is by far the most indescribable thing In my life. This whole time I thought my lessons in my relationships were to take my time slow down and asses the situation and see it and break it down and just be careful with it. The truth is that’s not me at all. That’s not the type of person I am. This advice I had taken about just waiting and seeing what happens have been taught to me from people who live their lives that way. I don’t live my life that way at all. I move fast. For once in my life I feel like I have finally met someone who has the same mind set as me. She doen’t think I’m moving fast, she doesn’t think me being this creepy type guy in situations is weird. She relates to it all. The things I didn’t want to tell her because I was afraid it would scare her away, I ended up telling her. She had the best reaction in the world. She smiled, she agrreed, she kissed me. It’s like she understands. When two minds coexist in a way that is unexplainable to anyone else but the two of them is the most beautiful thing. It’s an even better feeling. When you know you’ve met someone and you just know for a fact that were meant to meet them in life. And not only meet them for a minute or a day opr a week or a year but for the rest of your life. When you know and you feel this thing between the two of you, when you just automatically understand what the one person is trying to say when they can’t seem to explain it to you is magical. It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. I’ve never had this compaitability with someone before in my life. She makes me feel amazing inside. Even knowing her past it doesn’t scare me one bit. Because when I look into her eyes, when I venture deep into them I know what they say. They say I want this, I want to make this last. They say I’m tired of my past happening and repeating. She will break that. She will get throguh that and make this last. I know it.  I can’t tell the future in anyway at all. When you know something you know and that’s that. She has every feature I have ever wanted in a woman from phsical all the way to mental. She wants to hang out with me, She doesn’t want to leave, she kisses me. She hugs me. For once in my damn life I’m not the one putting in all of my fucking effort. For once In my life I found someone who feels the same about me as I do about her. We meet in the middle. We are both trying. We are both giving effort, we both want this. And that blows my mind. I was always the one saying cute things giving 150% in it all. My end of the rope was always bigger. Not anymore. And as weird as it may seem I’m completely okay with it. There are so many things she does or says to me and it just blows my mind because no one has done or said those things to me, It’s always the other way around. I know this is all probably out of order and may not make much sense. Like I said its a feeling that’s indescribable. So I tried my best. I never want her to go, I never want her to leaver my side. I could hold her, kiss her, love her, be with her, talk to her, hold hands with her, be with her, forever. Andnot for even one second would I be bored. Not for even one second would I feel like I would want to be anywhere else. Not for one second would I feel like I want something else. I feel like what I had been through had all been leading up to her. As crazy as it may sound it’s the truth. From the day I met her I could tell we were going to be together at some point in life. The day I first met her I had a feeling rush through my body that I had not felt before. It was the craziest thing I had ever felt in my life. She makes me happy. And I make her happy and I fucking love that." 

she's cutting out the bruises, forgetting her excuses

For the poor soul that finds himself the slightest bit intrigued..
Here's a list of the top sins and bad decisions I've made that I can think of tonight.

I once lit a fire on top of a hill near the creek by my house.
Usually it wouldn't catch more than a few piles of dried grass on fire,
But this time it spread a little faster, and we had to stomp it out.

I once stole over $10 from my dads coin jar he kept by his bed,
Where he would empty his pockets from work,
There would always be lots of quarters,
And I was a money-hungry child of 12 or 13.

I once called a girl I barely knew a slut, whore, bitch..
Almost every name I could come up with,
Solely because she had apparently called one of my friends fat,
And I was NOT going to have that.

I once snuck out of my friends house, during a sleepover,
So we could explore my hometown during the night.
It was around 1:30 and we had walked all the way down the bike path,
And ended up near a boy's house nicknamed Murphy.
We t-p'd his house and ran back home.

I once snuck out of my house to see an ex boyfriend.
I took the screen off my window and he helped me jump out the window.
We drove down to the creek,
Where I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life
And forgave him.

I once snuck out of my house after returning home from a night out with friends,
And I met up with an old friend who used to manipulate me.
I got so sick of it I started playing the game back.
We both ended up extremely hurt,
And it's a wonder we're still friends.
He lied to his girlfriend about seeing me that night, and I feel guilty for it.
(Nothing really happened, in case you're wondering)

I once starved myself for a span of 3 or so months (on and off for 2 years)
In an effort to lose weight and maybe eventually kill myself.
I did lose over 20 lbs, but i scared the shit out of some friends.
I was in a very, very low place.

I once (six or seven times) lied to my mother about driving to Ypsilanti,
To see one of my close friends from high school..
He was actually one of my first serious boyfriend's close friends too
He broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years to have the chance of sleeping with me.
His girlfriend was a very close friend of mine in middle school.

I once kissed that same boy while telling him I had other interests elsewhere,
And he kissed me back and said he didn't care.
I told him I had two dates later that week with two separate people.
He said he didn't care and pulled at my skirt.
I told him I couldn't do it,
And he asked me to leave after driving a half hour to drive him home for the weekend.

I once kissed two boys in the same day,
During an emotionally unstable point in my life,
Where I was being pulled in a million different directions,
And neither seemed quite right at the time.
I cried every single day for a month straight.

I once kissed that manipulative asshole from one of the earlier sections,
While him and I both had significant others.
Which was something we are both ashamed of for years afterwards.

I once smoked pot.
'Nuff said.

I once tried adderall.
I regret trying it,
Because I really enjoyed it.
And that scares the shit out of me.

I once sent out a risque picture of myself
To a boy i wanted approval from,
He never deserved the picture in the first place.
But damn did I look good in it, haha.



I'm sure that there will be a fair share of other stupid, poor decisions in my lifetime..
But for now, I think these paint a pretty accurate picture of who I was growing up.
I want to say I'm a better person now..
But things like that leave scars, and I'm sure you'll find others in time too.
I'm just trying to feel whole again after I went searching for something in all the wrong people.
My mistakes don't make me who i am. 
The way I've dealt with those mistakes does.
And i can honestly say I've been doing the best possible job I can.
But I guess only time will tell.

i am just a worthless liar.

I love easily,
And I used to think I forgave easily, too.
But I have met a new part of myself,
A part I didn't know before.
It scares me I was so unaware.

It won't be long before I forget your name and voice.
I don't know if i'll ever forget your eyes.
We got locked in too many stares,
And because of you, I'm afraid to do that with anyone else.
Even though almost anyone is more deserving,
Of a look into my soul.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song,
You can't believe it,
You were always singing along.
It was so easy, the words so sweet.

but I can't backspace
You were here.
You were a part of me,
Even for short as it was.

-silence- for once

They say love is conquering your fears.
And I suppose I never really felt that.
But those drives on the dark winding freeway,
Certainly taught me a lot.
The only way to you was to go,
The only way home was to leave,
And the decision would always have a sense of permanence,
That no other person had.

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But in all reality, it just makes me sad.
It makes me ache for your embrace.
It doesn't make me love you more when you're with me.
It just makes me wish I always had more time.

You say you want me to spend the night,
And you don't know how badly I want to.
I dream about waking up next to you,
Feeling your body pressed against mine,
Covers strewn about.
Shivering, aching for your body heat against my chilled skin.

This hasn't been the kind of love I've known.
It wasn't instantaneous.
For you, it's been building up, bubbling over,
But for me, it's been growing, outstretching it's tendrils to the sun,
Waiting to be satisfied enough it can bloom under your rays.
And I can tell I'm almost there.
You've brought me so close.

This is the kind of love that lasts, I'm sure.
You are different than the others.

and i have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men.

you'd assume i know what i want.
i make decisions quickly, with little complication.
you'd assume i barely think before i do.
which is true, but the repercussions and thoughts always attack
only when it's too late to change the situation, of course.
so then, what can i do?
i can't.
there is nothing.
except to keep moving forward,
destroying what i flirted with in the past.
i'm quite good at that, nowadays,
Just take everything in stride.
face the day with a smile.

the venom has still left a bitter taste in my mouth.
but i've chosen to save it for the truly deserving.
i'm waiting for my next release.
intended only for the one who betrayed me.
who hated me.

but there's distraction.
hidden attraction.
in the rawest for.. or is it?
i choose to believe there's more than meets the eye,
i choose to pretend i don't care.

what we've done is reversed.
what we've done isn't quite right.
failure is what we've set ourselves up for..
and it's the last thing i want with you.

like eating the cake before blowing out the candles,
one of us may get burned.
a risk we're willing to take.

You want an allusion?
Pandora radio.
Pandora's box.
We opened it alright..
All it takes is time for hope to show up.