So um.

Where do I start?
I'm going to start by apologizing.
To all of you.
Because none of you deserve my shit.
If suicide would make things better,
And if everything was beautiful and nothing hurt..
I mean.  There's my answer right there.
But I know that's not an option because I'm better than that..
(Or maybe worse than that..pick your own perspective)
So I'm stuck here, hating everything.
I don't want to hurt you.
I have no reason to want to.
And now I've given you a reason to hurt me,
And the fact that you aren't taking it..
It just shows that you are so much better than me.
And that you deserve so much better than me.
And I know you can hold a grudge.
And I want to make you forget.
I want to wash everything away.
You are so much better, greater..
Just.. everything.
And I never thought I'd feel that way about you.
About anyone, actually.  Never, ever again.
Because that's how I get hurt..
Believing that maybe I do mean something to you..
And that when someone shows me affection of any sort,
I run with it.
Because I need it and it almost doesn't matter who it's coming from.
And that's terrible.
But that's the products of my reality.
Of my world.
Of my head.
And, I would change it if I could, but I can't.
My mind fucks everything up for me,
Especially when I KNOW what is good for me.
I know what I need.
I end up going out of my way to let it get all fucked up.
And I fucking hate myself for it.
When I try and interfere..
That's when all of the terrible things end up happening.

Terrible.
That's a word I stopped using for a long, long while.
Because I fucking hated it.
I hate myself for it.
I AM terrible.
And I don't want to be anymore.
No one fucking disagrees with me anymore.
It's a known fact.
And that fucking sucks.

I shouldn't be trusted or cared for.
I am the unlovable.
At least I should be.
Like fucking King Midas.
Everything I touch is ruined.