my mind at night

I don't know how to tell you about all the different planes of thought I'm thinking on.
I don't know how to explain to you how seriously fucked up my head is.
I don't know how to let you in on this craziness.
I just don't know how.
And I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't.
I can't lie to you.
But I can't exactly tell you.
I'm hurting so bad,
And it goes away when I'm with just you.
But everything comes back when we're with other people.
Memories flood me, and it hurts to look back.
I seriously hate myself for everything I did before I met you.
I made terrible decisions,
And I hate looking back at that.
I don't know how to let you in on all of the things inside my brain though.
Especially when that shit starts up.
It's just really, really hard.
I can't even think half the time.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for making you worry.
I'm sorry for putting you in that position.
But.
I wish you knew without having to ask or be told.
I know that's too much to ask.
I understand that.
But I'm not good at communication.
That's just a fact.
She's told me that you aren't either,
So I think it's something we'll both have to work on.

The answer to your question for today:

"Wow, you look fucking terrible right now.  Lakin's got the right idea.  Keep starving.  You're so fucking worthless.  You're so lucky he likes you for you and OBVIOUSLY not your looks.  That's something you'll never have to deal with, people only liking you for your looks.  At least you've got something, right?  Too bad you're too dumb to realize it. You're gonna fuck this up.  See, he's pissed.  He won't kiss you.  He's figuring out how fucked up you are.  You better not do that.  He'll get angry.  You don't want that.  You fucking need him, dumb whore.  No no no.  You don't need him.  That's not how you're supposed to look at this.  You better get your shit together, or this won't end good.  You know how it feels when things don't end good.  Don't you dare fuck this one up.  He's got everything you ever wanted and ever needed.  Don't be dumb.  Don't fuck it up.  Close your eyes, you don't deserve to look at him.  Fucking dumb bitch."

I don't want to go on.  I think you get the gist of it.
The intention was not sympathy of any sort.
I don't want that.
Honestly.
It makes me puke.
BUT, I do want you to believe me.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I hate lying to people I care about.
And I care about you a lot.
So, just understand, please?