Parents were fighting all night.
But I didn't have the strength in me to go out there and yell at them like I usually do.
I don't know if I can do this.
I don't know.
I just don't.
I woke up to the song "Time of Your Life" by Green day.
It was never a song we shared between us,
Except that one time you drove me home when my contact fell out at your house.
And you picked the green day cd.
But green day was your and Terrance's thing.
I wouldn't intrude.
But this time, it has nothing to do with what the song is connected to.
It has to do with the fact that I REALIZE there were good times.
Because you know what?
There really were.
It wasn't all for nothing.
It wasn't all a big waste of time.
And me saying this? It's not even about being the bigger person.
It's me proving to myself that I'm not as stupid as I want to think I am.
You made me so fucking happy when we were both in high school together.
You'd run to get shit from my locker.
You'd let me come over to your moms whenever I needed.
You'd let me cry until it was all done.
You used to at least.
You got angry when I did at the end.
You used to want to do things with me.
We went skating once.
We used to go for walks.
We used to go for bike rides.
We used to go to Mcdonalds for the fun of it.
We used to just meet up, and not NEED to be doing anything.
Key words "used to"
But things changed.
And it wasn't just you, or just me.
It was a combination.
You didn't change.
I did.
I fucking grew up.
You even said it yourself.
"Wow, can you hook me up to the person you've been talking to? You sound like an entirely different person"
You want to know why that was?
I wasn't afraid to hurt you this time.
Because when we had that conversation,
you'd already tried breaking me.
I would have never guessed that you'd be the person to try that.
No one ever has.
Except for maybe Chelsea and Broni.
But you know what?
That's fine.
You're immature.
You might never grow up.
I can't become and adult with someone like that.
You had me trapped in a box, and you even knew it.
But you did nothing.
I have a hard time believing you "loved me" at the end.
Because you let something go if you love it.
But you wouldn't let me go.
You wouldn't let me be healthy.
Or happy.
Which is truly concerning.
Was I so blind?
I really fucking hope not.
I don't want to ever do that to myself ever again.
But I'm not going around telling every guy I'm interested in "I've been broken. Be careful with me."
Because I'M fucking STRONGER THAT THAT.
And there is no debate anymore.
I am changed.
I am new.
I am okay.
I have learned so much.
Especially from you and just being with you.
So thank you.
But fuck you.
You couldn't live up to what I wanted you to be.
You tried at some points.
You passed high school and got a job.
You couldn't do the college thing.
But hey, maybe trade school?
I guess I couldn't push you that far.
Yes you should feel like shit about that.
You fucking wasted your dads money,
And you broke his trust. Your moms too.
So no more complaining.
You fucked it up yourself, you get to put it back together.
I don't want to help you anymore.
Because you tried fucking me up too.
And I shall not be involved in your fucking insanity.
I'm gonna be healthy now.
Seriously.
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