Reminisce..

Just for a moment.

Look how far you've come.

You're slipping right now,

But remember the pain.

Remember the angst.

Remember how you felt in the past.

If we do not learn from the past,

we'll continue to make the same mistakes.

I know you still check this.

I know it.

So please realize,

Things haven't been easy.

It's going to take longer than I thought.

"Friday, February 27, 2009

Could Be



Ever been screwed up so much to the point where the line is nearly invisible and you want to step over it SOO badly but know how much it'll end up effecting in the end? Ever want to just cross it, disregarding every single thing you've worked on, perfected even, that you don't even see the point of it being there in the first place? Yeah. I do. Because I am letting my heart lead. And do you know how dangerous that is? Do you know how much trouble that can/could get me in trouble? A lot. A whole FUCKING lot. And i wish I could explain. I wish I wouldnt hurt them. Yeah, BOTH of them. Becaue with me: NOTHING can be as simple as just breaking away. Just being independent and not worrying about other peoples feelings and emotions. Why? Because i get so attached and i can't see them ever hurting me in the same way. Or hurting me purposefully at all. Even though they do. BOTH of them. so this is my paragraph to you.. my... attempt at making sense of this in my own way..which is making no sense at all:

Humor me. Try it. Just.. let it go. Because you know that I know that you don't feel the same. That you might never ever even think to feel the same. But I remember that day at hedke. I remember just.. laying there. Talking. Conversating in the midst of such chaos. Such.. craziness. I remember the way you made me feel. And I remember the way you still make me feel. When it's so wrong and so.. just plainly not right. I want it. Because I'm me. I always want what I know for a fact I can't have. I wish I could just say it to your face though. I know I can't because if for some reason that connection wasn't made. That you weren't what I thought you were. That you weren't caring and considerate or at least partially.. I would just die inside. Maybe for an hour, a week, or a fuckin year. Because I know that feeling. I know the sinking feeling of hopelessness, rejection, and fear. i know it. And I barely even got a glimpse of love. I barely got it. But I did. And I thought I felt it. And even if it's not. Even if it's just teenage hormones rushing. Even if it's just an natural occurance that means absolutely nothing. Just know you were there. That you tried it. That you opened your mind and your heart. Just remind yourself when you look back, if you CAN even look back, Just remind yourself that you tried. That you gave the effort. The effort to make me feel not so horrible about what I'm feeling right now. Because I want it to all be worth it. But if it's worth hurting somebody. Hell, even TWO somebodies, then make it worth it. Make it something that needed to happen to make you who you are that day. The day that you learn something. Just want to look back. Please? Please, just for me. For what could of been...(and rather my normal line of "will never be" just say) COULD be. SHOULD be. I just wish I knew.

I just wish I knew.
FUCK. "