Another character is a letter carrier who is determined to break all the rules:
Poor Randolph was now a loner. A loner with a genius plan to go out in style…
One day, during his usual route, he stumbled upon a small plastic bag. This wasn’t any ordinary bag, it was special. It had a small amount of white powder inside it. He knew that this was a very, very special bag of white powder. He picked it up discreetly and continued on his way. He began daydreaming about what he could do with the small bag. He was fully aware it wasn’t soon before he had to begin searching for a new job, so he smiled. He knew exactly what to do with this bag.
Approaching the next house, he sifted through the stack of letters in his bag. He found three addressed to this particular house, two bills and a large manila envelope. To his pleasant surprise, the envelope had already been opened back at the postal office and hand been searched through. He removed the letter stating how “sorry” they were for the inconvenience of going through their package and in he slipped the baggie. Giddy with excitement, Randolph put the bills into the mailbox and slipped the manila envelope under the door.
Randolph whistled to himself as he walked away, trying to seem as inconspicuous as possible. It was 6 a.m. and he was sure no one was watching him, but he still breathed a sigh of relief when he got back into his mail truck. His heart pounded with excitement. “What a rebel I am!” he laughed aloud. He had not felt so happy in months. Randolph happily turned up his radio and drove back to the post office to pick up his second round of mail.
On his way there, a bright sign caught Randolph’s eye, it read “Help Needed, Ask Inside”. He smiled. This was perfect! He could get a new job before he was laid off from this one! He pulled over and walked inside. It was a rather ghetto-looking building. There were a few cracks in the windows, and a sign above the door read: BEER! LOTTO! CIGARETTES! He sighed. He’d never truly been a fan of such behavior. He decided to go inside anyway.
As soon as he opened the door, the pungent smell of alcohol almost knocked him over. Not only was it a liquor store, it was also a bar! To his left, there was a desk with a computer screen and a cash box sitting out in the open. He looked around, no one was in sight. He slowly reached for the box, gently picked up, and with great speed and agility, sprinted out the door. It was so fast, the bell above the door didn’t even ring.
Once he got back to the mail truck he sped away to the safety of a wall-mart parking lot. Once there he parked behind the store and counted the cash. Altogether there was $523.85! Randolph knew he had to get rid of the evidence. He became terrified of being caught for such a heinous crime. He quickly pocketed the cash and decided to make a trip into the store.
He wandered aimlessly up and down the aisles. Time was ticking and he still needed to go to his second rout. He turned down an aisle to his left and found a can of mace. It reminded him of the new rule that mail men could not mace animals. This rule had always upset Randolph, for he was never quite fond of dogs, and they certainly did not think of him as more than a chew toy. Thinking of Miss Dowry’s angry naked Chihuahua, Fluffy, he grabbed two large cans and placed them into his cart.
Randolph felt like a kid in a candy store when he mistakenly turned down another aisle with rows and rows of baseball bats. His second route only involved driving and stopping. The mailboxes were on the curb. He knew what to do. He selected his weapon of choice and continued on his shopping.
He knew it was getting late, so he headed for the check out. Instead of waiting in line, he went straight to the self-scanner. He looked like a crazy teenage boy, ready to wreak havoc on the town with his mace, baseball bat, rat poison, duct tape, zip ties, and condoms. The lady monitoring the self check-outs didn’t even glance up at him as he scanned each item. He did a double take, an alarm on her computer had begun going off and she didn’t stir. She was sleeping. Heavily. What a relief.
Before she woke up, he paid for the items and left as quickly as possible. No one seemed to notice him except… his wife!
“Randy!” she cried as she ran towards him. Randolph was visibly shocked when he saw her. He began to sweat, fearing that she would know he was up to something. “Honey I’ve missed you so much! I’m sorry I left you. It was a bad decision. I still love you! I’ve been going to the house everyday but you’re never home and I just---what’s that? In the bag?”
“I uh… Just a few things I needed to pick up. For a friend. Ah-work! For a friend at work.” He managed to stammer out. His wife peered at him accusingly and in a flash she snatched the bag out of his hand. She had always been a reproachful woman.
“You are sick!” she screeched as she ruffled through the items. “I can’t believe you!” her face grew red with anger and she wore a look of disgust.
“No! No! I can explain!” He pleaded, trying hard to think of a rational explanation on the spot.
“I don’t want to hear it!”
“But—“
“No!” she replied. “I can’t believe that I’ve been gone for only a month and your already sleeping with someone!” Randolph stared at her quizzically. “That little slut from down the street! I always had a suspicion she was into that disgusting ‘hard core’ shit. And to think! I introduced you to her! I knew you weren’t just staring off into space that day! I knew you were looking at her tits but noooo! You said you weren’t! How did I ever trust you, you lying, cheating scum bag!”
Speechless, he turned and walked to his car. His soon to be ex-wife stomped off in the direction of her car. Neither said a word. He got inside the truck and turned the key. Tonight was going to be a fun night. Plans were forming in his head for after work. He hadn’t had much ‘fun’ in a long time, with his wife being gone and all.
But, he switched his thoughts back to what he’d do tonight. First, he wanted to finish his deliveries. After that, he planned on going back over the same route and playing a little mailbox baseball. He drove down his second rout with the mailboxes lining the street. Thankfully, there were no cars parked on the side of the road. He pulled as close as he could to the curb and parked his truck.
After some heavy duty duct taping, he had the baseball bat securely embedded into the side of his truck. He forcefully jammed it into the outside of the door and then reinforced it with the tape. Once inside his truck, he turned it on and cut the lights. Randolph floored the engine, his foot touching all the way to the ground. The truck jerked and squealed as it smashed all of the mail boxes on that side of the street.
Turning down a road a few blocks down he found Fluffy, asleep in his dog house. His initial reaction was to hide. Fluffy was vicious, and he did not want to provoke an angry animal. Instantly, he remembered the mace and rat poison in his shopping bag. He reached for it, but mistakenly grabbed another bag in his car, which he kept all the dog treats in. He had another brilliant idea. He took one of the canisters of treats and emptied it, replacing it with the poison. Randolph was feeling rather devious today.
He decided to not be the person who actually DID the deed. Instead, he would leave that up to fluffy’s wonderful owners. He set the treats next to fluffy’s dog house, after attaching a letter that read,
“Dear stranger,
My dog, Spike, has just passed away. I didn’t want to waste this new can of biscuits by simply throwing them away, so please take them. Spike would be happy to share.”
He quickly sprinted away, just as he had with the cash box. As soon as he got back to his car he was struck with another brilliant idea. He had a bag of returned mail that he had not dropped off yet and nearly a full roll of duct tape. He drove home and walked two doors down to the house of the “little slut”. As he approached her house, her fierce Yorkshire terrier ran towards him. Using a full can of mace, he warded off the demon dog for good. He then filled her mailbox with the return mail and proceeded to tape it shut. After two full layers of tape he stuck some of the condoms to the mail box. He then layered it once more before leaving. Randolph happily realized that he could blame this incident on his soon-to-be-ex wife.
On the way back to drop the truck off and get his car he remembered he had no plans for the evening. He remembered he’d decided to spend some money on having fun, so he did a quick search on the internet to find a nice, affordable escort.. or two. He found a nice site with pictures of pretty girls and gave them a call. Five seconds later he had plans made.
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