I missed this CD.

It reminds me of summer,

Though you and your cold grey eyes

Were of winter.

And us together,

We were of winter.

“I don’t want to be without you,

I don’t want to live without you,

I don’t want to breathe without you,

You’re my oxygen.”

I remember the cold,

I remember being indoors,

And I remember the movies.

I remember the first night,

Us alone.

We walked around as it got dark,

And you had no clue.

This was how my life was before you,

And your warm car.

“Wanting you for such a long time..

You’ll never know I’m after you.”

I remember when all four of us sat beneath the sky,

A few summers ago,

Watching the stars,

We were immersed in our own conversation,

And they were confused.

“Waking up to the green of your eyes,

is something I’ll get used to.”

I miss being around you,

Now that you’re gone.

At first, I thought it’d make this all easier,

But I guess it just doesn’t work that way.

The world doesn’t work that way.

“It’s not your fault,

so please stop your crying now..”

I remember the nights I stayed up talking with him,

Explaining the way my mind and heart were battling,

Neither was winning,

Neither has won.

I still have no idea if I made the right choice.

There’s less chaos,

And I know that it probably wouldn’t work,

But it seems like everyone has been changing.

Two couples I never thought I’d see the downfall off,

Down.

Four people alone, two heartbroken.

Our situation was different.

Three people down, three people hurt.

Why did I have to make such a mess?

And then I go back, and remember even after we were ‘done’,

And I remember walking down that path with you,

camera in hand,

You made your advances,

And I attempted to side-step them gracefully,

Though I often fell down, and still fall.

“You’re always on my mind, all the time.”

I hated ignoring you,

Even though it made things easier,

For a little while.

“But the time we spent was so short,

Can’t believe it’s time to go again.”

It doesn’t seem like it was short,

But it really was, looking back, it was,

And all of this happened almost an entire year ago.

Isn’t that crazy?

Being alone was the scariest part,

But I never was completely alone,

I just didn’t have both of you.

Why did I go insane with the possibility,

That I could have both of you?

I remembered taking that trip to Ann Arbor,

Three of us went,

Though only the two of us were aware.

Our friend was lost in his own thoughts,

And we let him be.

“Frustration building our foundation,”

We let it get to us,

Until all the crazy pent up feelings exploded.

A bad decision or two,

Neither of us strong enough

To decide what was right and wrong,

And CLEARLY we were wrong.

No doubts there.

And apologies from me,

Are never accepted by you.

Which is almost understandable.

I know I’m weak,

And when I speak,

All you hear are lies.

But I swear to God,

That’s not what I mean. 

“I hope things haven’t changed.”

And they hadn’t.

I was re-accepted.

It was different now.

You were wary,

And I was barely any wiser.

We know we’re capable of making the same mistakes,

And this is what worries me,

“I know everything reminds you of me,

Even the songs you’d thought I’d never sing”

I want to be close to you again,

More than just verbally.

I want mental.

I’ll understand if you aren’t willing to let me in again.

I’ve done wrong time and time again,

And from the looks of it, I’m not stopping anytime soon.

I just hate that I have the control to ruin him.

I don’t want that.

I don’t want to be the reason.

I’m 16 damnit.

You’re both 18 and it scares me.

I shouldn’t be influenced,

But I know I am.

“I could have let this slip,

And everything I do,

It reflects you.”

Does it mean that you think of me,

When you say things like that?

Does it mean I actually have power?

I almost don’t want it,

I want to be meaningless and uninfluencial.

I don’t want to cause problems

And I don’t want to be the root of any,

“You have my heart in your hand,

You have my heart so don’t,

Don’t let it go.”

I don’t want it.

I don’t even know if I had it.

Maybe it was just the want,

That I had.

Did I ever have your heart?

The longing for, and feelings,

We never truly talked about that.

Maybe it’s because you never told me you loved me,

Which isn’t wrong.

You don’t love me.

He does.

Maybe he’s crazy for it.

That’s the difference between you too.

You both know me,

And we both connect,

But on different levels and thought patterns.

But he has time on you.

My heart can’t take it,

My heart can’t take this anymore.”

Just blend in and relax.

Do you remember the time at the modern?

Probably not,

You were high.

I felt so in love that night.

Everything felt right,

Except for the fact,

You weren’t around much.

You were angry,

And that’s acceptable,

Except it was one of the last times I’d ever go to a show there,

And the modern was a place for you and I,

It was not a place he went,

But he did,

For me.

I don’t think either of us liked it,

And you left, woe is me.

“Soon I’ll be back in your arms,

 Connected”

But it isn’t so easy.

I can’t be with you anymore

I hate being around you,

In your presence,

But not connected.

“Hurry down to me.”

The reason everything is so out of order,

Is for a very simple reason,

But it’s hard for me to say,

Because it makes me feel crazy.

I could not tell you a realistic order of all of this,

I wasn’t talking to anyone during this entire time,

Other than you and him

And everything got blurred.

Just three or four weeks ago,

That’s a blur to me too.

You know how people always say, “Remember when..?”

I never do that.

I never have,

And I probably won’t ever.

Because to tell you the truth, I probably don’t remember when.

Memory loss?

No.

Just a lack of creation of memories.

There was nothing to remember in the first place..

Sad.

I agree.

“I never said that I didn’t need you,

So put down your arms,

And wrap them both right around me.”

I do remember the time you told me you never liked hugs.

I could tell.

I was there, once.

Middle school and the beginning of my freshmen year.

I didn’t know what it was like to be cared about.

I didn’t know what it was like to have close friends.

I still don’t.

Picture that.

“Turn the music up,

You sing right though the conversation,

And I’m just listening.”

I miss you driving me around,

“Right left or straight?”

“RIGHT!”

*turns left*

YOU DICK.

You’re probably still a little baffled

 by my lack of a sense of right and left.

I don’t think you’ll ever completely understand

My incompetence.

Sorry.

“No you’re never over me!”

The cd is almost over.

What am I going to do after that?

“I don’t need it all,

Give it all away,”

I’ve been selfish,

And this, I know.

I just didn’t know what to do,

But I think I know now.

I have to give up and let it be,

However it stands,

And until I see change to be necessary,

I’ll let you both know,

And we can work something out.

Mature?

Not entirely.

But I can’t really help it.

I shouldn’t have to be mature yet,

Should I?

I guess this is how I’ll end.

I felt hopeless,

Lost,

Confused,

And alone.

But in the end,

I’ve realized I’m not.

“This could be the song,

The one that everyone relates to.”

Perhaps it is.

“It’s the beat that keeps you marching on,”

I think it is.

I knew giving up was never an option,

Suicide, an even more selfish choice,

So I hushed those thoughts out

Before they even had a chance to form.

“This could be the verse

Always reminding you of your battle scars,

All your could have beens.”

I guess that’s what you were,

My last could have been.

But if it helps.

You are mine,

And I am yours,

In some other universe,

And maybe in that universe,

Clones exist,

And maybe both of you can have me,

Simultaneously,

Though I doubt either would agree,

That is good or fair.

“Everyone’s wrong,

So cross your fingers.”