#15

I feel like nights like this, I’m starting to not fit into your life. I’m the perfect girlfriend around friends, but underneath it all I’m ripping apart at the seams. I want us to be happy but it’s become so much more difficult than just smiling for you. I feel like I can’t cry when I need to anymore because you can always find a story worse than mine. I feel like sometimes what I say is irrelevant to you, and it doesn’t matter. I know that that’s not how you see it, and it’s definitely not how it really is.. But I can’t help what I feel. I can help HOW I feel, but after a while, that gets progressively harder to do and it makes me want to scream on the inside.

I know you love me, and that this is going to get easier. And I know that it’s better that you’re here to help me along. Other people would give up, not having known me long enough to know I come around after the right amount of coaxing and leaving alone. You can pester me to tell you what’s wrong, but sometimes you know you don’t really want to know, and that I need to figure some stuff out on my own. I just feel SO frustrated with how things have been going. I love being with you, but it’s to the point I feel sick when I’m not with you. I’m okay when I’m with you, even if I’m not really. I feel safer, more secure, more free. You don’t care to change me anymore because you accept me as I am, with almost all my flaws, personality quirks, and female craziness. I adore you for that.

I adore you for so much more though. You’re dad is a dick to you because he knows you can do better. He knows you’re a capable young man, and that you just have to find it within yourself. I wish you’d see that. Take the criticism for what it’s worth. He’s trying to help in the only way he knows how, which happens to not be very helpful at all. But trust me, there’s a tiny amount of good intention there. Anyway. I love you and I believe in you, even when you feel like there’s nothing you can do. Even when you and I BOTH feel like there’s a gigantic wall separating us from what we need and want. We’re going to break down that wall someday, and that day, all the hurt feelings and lost expectations with be destroyed along with it, because finally, we’ll have accomplished something bigger than both of us.

I love you. And I know you can live your life without me, my distractions, and ridiculousness. But I love you because you choose to do so, even if it doesn’t always benefit you in ways we can gauge. I love you. Thank you.