Two years ago..

"Humor me. Try it. Just.. let it go. Because you know that I know that you don't feel the same. That you might never ever even think to feel the same. But I remember that day at hedke. I remember just.. laying there. Talking. Conversating in the midst of such chaos. Such.. craziness. I remember the way you made me feel. And I remember the way you still make me feel. When it's so wrong and so.. just plainly not right. I want it. Because I'm me. I always want what I know for a fact I can't have. I wish I could just say it to your face though. I know I can't because if for some reason that connection wasn't made. That you weren't what I thought you were. That you weren't caring and considerate or at least partially.. I would just die inside. Maybe for an hour, a week, or a fuckin year. Because I know that feeling. I know the sinking feeling of hopelessness, rejection, and fear. i know it. And I barely even got a glimpse of love. I barely got it. But I did. And I thought I felt it. And even if it's not. Even if it's just teenage hormones rushing. Even if it's just an natural occurance that means absolutely nothing. Just know you were there. That you tried it. That you opened your mind and your heart. Just remind yourself when you look back, if you CAN even look back, Just remind yourself that you tried. That you gave the effort. The effort to make me feel not so horrible about what I'm feeling right now. Because I want it to all be worth it. But if it's worth hurting somebody. Hell, even TWO somebodies, then make it worth it. Make it something that needed to happen to make you who you are that day. The day that you learn something. Just want to look back. Please? Please, just for me. For what could of been...(and rather my normal line of "will never be" just say) COULD be. SHOULD be. I just wish I knew.
I just wish I knew.
FUCK. " -2-17-08

Who determines this to actually happen? Because it's happening. That was from almost two years ago. Is God just fucking with me? I honestly don't know what to expect out of life anymore. Is it a curse or a blessing? Someone give me the answers.. I'm begging you.