fine by me.

What do I do now?
I can't tell.
It is not allowed.
But I so desperately want them to know!
I so desperately want them to know how much it hurts.
But it is supposedly worth the pain.
That HAS to be a lie.
Nothing is worth this much pain.
Mentally and physically.

It's so so wrong.
And I want them to know.
But I can't, because that messes it all up.
What do I do?
Even THIS is a grab for attention.
And in the end..isn't that what I really want?

But here's the thing.
The attention I'd BE getting would be opposite of what I really wanted.
I really would of wanted them to be jealous,
when in reality they'd pity me.
That's not what i want,
But that's what I'd get.

So what now?
What do I do now?
It just sucks from either side.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck.
I'm so totally stuck it sucks.
And there's no where to really go,
except downward.

This pit of 'despair' is becoming comforting.
It not only give me release, but also control.
I control how far I fall.
And in the end, isn't that what I wanted all along?
NO!
And that's the conclusion they all come to.
No matter how obvious it is
they'll never understand that control isn't the reason.
It never was.
It never will be.
That's not what I'm gaining.
Not at all.

In reality it's what I'm losing,

And that's FINE BY ME.