What am I living for?
Not for myself, no, not really. I really don't care as much about myself as I care about what others perceive me to be.
Well from a religious standpoint, I could be living for my God/Goddess. Or i could be living for myself. I could be living to better the world, or better other's lives. There's tons of things.
I don't really care too much about afterlife. I don't care too much about dying. It has crossed my mind, but I don't care a hella lot. I don't know what i believe now, but whatever I choose to believe won't make me scared. That is one thing I'm positive about.
So, I've really been feeling this undying thirst, the hole, this EMPTINESS inside. As rediculous as that sounds, it's the honest truth. It's sort of tearing me apart. But some good news is that I've pinpointed the real cause; I cannot stand NOT having a religion, and not having anyone to talk to about it. Specifically, I have no friends that want to speak with me about the subject. The only one's that would actually talk to me are Atheists, or super-Christians. It's just...not fair.
Not to mention it hurts a lot. No one wants to talk to me. Or, its not even that, it just that it's so uncomfortable when i try. So sometimes I just give up.
And I feel so ridiculous trying, or hinting at it. Cuz i know how 'overrated' these kinds of things can get. It angers me though. Not to mention the cliques that form because of it. I just want someone to talk to. And I have sources, but some of them will attempt shoving it down my throat, and that's not what i want. I just want someone to talk to. And it's just not happening. I don't know what to do.
Christianity sort of, explains some of my thoughts. Not to mention I wish i could feel this way: "Rid me of myself, I belong to you" -Hillsong United
But (some) Pagan religions hold a lot of truths to me: The way God isn't just a 'man' God is a woman too, and a child, and a lover and a friend and a leader and... just so many things.
But with Christianity, I can't understand the concept of someone dying for me (Jesus) to... wipe the slate clean for the rest of humanity. It just, doesn't make sense to me.
But this all makes me feel so empty. I have no one that can understand, or talk to me. I get judged and it hurts. Especially when people don't know what they're talking about! Sorry if this post made no sense, I'm just so .....i don't even know!
Questions? Comments?
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