APPEAR.

Dear anyone who reads this,

Do you realize that last night, I wanted to cry so so badly, that I couldn't? Do you know that feeling? Do you know how it feels to feel just so messed up, so screwed up, so screwed in general that you don't know what to do.. or where to go from here? I'm at the bottom right? Meaning it can only get better, right? Nope. Because no matter what, I will ALWAYS be able to dig holes deeper and deeper and deeper. Because it doesn't matter how positive i choose to look at life. it'll always just amount to nothing. I will amount to nothing. Nothing i do will ever be worth it, and when I even attempt trying, i just fail. I study? i get a worse grade. I try being prepared? i forget something. it doesn't even seem to matter. And it's not as if I'm not actually trying. I swear, for some of this I'm giving at least 110%, So why isn't it paying off? Why isn't it working? Why does if feel as if everything I TRY to do goes to waste? Because it does. It really really does. I feel like it's pointless to be studying this earth science. I'm just going to forget it in an hour. And reading that book? Does it have any real purpose other than to get you to buy it? Does it even really matter to them if you read it and like it or not like it? If you try not to eat a lot, you even say no to that cake or that doughnut, does it even matter? Because you know later you're just going to go eat at least double that amount as a healthy 'meal'. So it doesn't really matter does it. Nothing does. All that matters is that you APPEAR happy. That you APPEAR confident. That you APPEAR intelligent. That you APPEAR like you're having fun. That you APPEAR to not care that everything is messing you up. That people that you love AREN'T hurting you. That everything is just fine and dandy. Well I have something to tell you: It's harder than it looks. I'm a good actress. Still. And you know what? I have been. For a long long while.

~Jenna